I just heard of the passing of David Lynch. Really, really plugged in here. I’ve known massive fans of his work, and I’ve seen more of it than not myself, including some of his so youthful animations. This was written some 13 years ago for the gag site New Comics Day, and later recycled by the Outhousers. Jude Terror can attest, there was at least one Lynch fanclub that continuously quoted from and linked back to the article, whether they just wanted to believe the scene I portrayed, or they were just that dumb I do not know. All in all though, a mockery of the Marvel movie machinery and general carnival-barkering. Fuck all artists.
David Lynch to Direct Avengers tie-in Doctor Druid Film
Continuing Marvel Entertainment’s proud record of offering C and D listers to the general public by way of Tinsel Town before the thoroughly interesting of the same model, such as an entire Blade franchise before developing a single Doctor Strange film, or the impending Guardians of the Galaxy movie before any talk of the Silver Surfer, or even Elektra in lieu of La Espirita, Marvel insiders are pleased to announce the signing on of none other than the legendary David Lynch to direct an Avengers spinoff Doctor Druid feature film.
The quirky Satanist Crispin Glover, whose credits include portraying the Grendel in the airbrushed fumetti animation epic Beowulf, had already agreed to star in the prospective feature, with his own company Volcanic Eruptions set to share production duties.
Created by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee(‘s secretary Flo Steinberg), Doctor Anthony Ludgate Druid was a psychiatrist and hypnotist who explored the world to learn of the occult. Active in the 1940s and 50s, he would become a member of the Monster Hunters, the team created solely for the editorial purpose of exclusively cleaning up shoddy continuity within the rich history of the Marvel Universe. Eventually, he would even serve as a member of the publisher’s premiere super-team, the mighty Avengers, though mostly as a mind-controlled thrall of the space pirate Nebula. All of his origin was later retconned by Roy Thomas to serve as an incidental cosmic practice session for the creation of Doctor Strange however, the exact retcon plot also leaving Druid with a snazzy ponytail and a reduction of twenty years in his life to make him more appropriately hardcore for the evolved and learned sensibilities of the 1990s readers. All of this in turn was revamped again by a young Warren Ellis as Druid embraced a darker, more erratic aesthetic which lead to his murder at the hands of Damien Hellstrom. The entirety of Druid’s publishing history is a long and steady example of many writers in need of red herrings and scape goats for their lousy attempts at Earth-shattering stories.
Lynch, speaking characteristically freely at a press conference on the grounds of Euro-Disney Sunday morning, was ecstatic. “I was drawn to the deal by the big bags of Walt Disney Corporation company scrip, but also by the more earnest notion of a wannabe mystic named Doctor Droom trotting the globe in the 1950s looking for monsters and aliens to fight with his mesmerism and low-level telekinesis, but inevitably finding himself along the path to enlightenment. And unbelievably great toothpaste. My twist, which I’ll share now before a script is even written because I really don’t care what anyone thinks and scripts just get in the way of storytelling anyhow, will be to have him be in the employ of the U.S. government from day one, paving the way for possible Nick Fury or Agents of Atlas films from Marvel down the line. My close friend Marilyn Manson has expressed interest to me personally in playing that Gorilla Man character, and having it be his own directorial debut, so I will slide in some suggestions for that likelihood as well. But my Druid by way of Droom tale will be a traveling salesman of really great toothpaste, to make ends meet while working for Uncle Sam. I think we all need to think more about what we put our teeth through, and the people at Disney agree. Vehemently agree.”
And when asked about working with the ever-weird Glover, who has been known to be fired from sets for rampant acts of cannibalism, the famed filmmaker responded, “Listen, Hollywood has plenty of strange people in it, but Crispin is one of the most normal guys you’d ever want to go fly-fishing with. Just a few months ago we were up at Cannes looking for young starlets to trick into drinking absinthe so that we could add to our scrapbook of collected toenails. We really needed an Italian girl to make the year complete, and we just couldn’t for the life of us find an Italian girl. But that Crispin took it on the nose, saying that we should just kill all of the absinthe ourselves until we thought it was four years ago, which was the year where we found several Italian actresses who wouldn’t cry foul when they later woke up with bleeding toes. That Crispin is a real team player, and I look forward to seeing what we can do together on a project generously bankrolled by Disney.”
The film, already set for an August 2014 release, will co-star Kyle Maclachlan as Stephen Strange, Naomi Watts as the other-dimensional Clea, and Stan Lee as fellow government secret agent L Ron Hubbard.