In creative fields particularly, I was always better at finding work for others than for myself. So that when someone somewhere would recommend an employer look my way I always tried my damnedest to comply no matter what was on my plate. When I reviewed an album, a book or a film I’d hyperlink to the personal website or blog of everyone in the crew mentioned and I would mention as many contributors as possible. From reviewing and interviewing and the interactions involved I’d get to know who these people were and what they were about to varying degree, and from that I could generally deduce what they were looking for in life immediately and long-term. A conscientiousness borne of natural curiosity as much as the severe programming by Catholic guilt’s upbringing. I am so befuddled all my life I wear my blue collar on my sleeve, but I have been accused of satanism over deftness for scrutiny. Never in an adorable Columbo way but in the sleeping on cold concrete again manner.
Carrying the full weight of our own personal flaws provides more balance than all the overinflated parodies of strength marketed this way or that. Truth tells, anybody can survive without jerks to circle about. They cling to the numbers of false comradery, blindly counting themselves among the primes in that they are divisible by anyone, but also by themselves. I’d say most dwellers of artificial cultures are decidedly illiberal, as the passion itself lay with having their cake and eating it too as opposed to helping others procure bread crumbs even would it be by labor and sacrifice.
My name is Richard Harloe Caldwell. These are the hands that do the unwanted but necessary labor so those I encounter may not. They clean after both types of Americans- those who justify the unnatural deaths of others, and the many more cowards who won’t think twice about abandoning others to fates worse than their own. With what meager strength and energy in my reserves I will sacrifice to keep anyone and everyone in my vicinity alive, going without everything down to my own safety, with the horrifyingly practiced breadth of only employing non-lethal force and only for the prevention of lethal force, for all deserve to experience firsthand the consequence of contributing to such the society as this for as long as humanly possible. Been beaten up plenty, but that’s how steel transforms blue eyes to grey, wearing more scars than clothes even in my trenchcoat years. This puts me at odds with every icon of church and state and industry without exception, for none is welcome to divvy out credit or blame for my actions and no icon of church or state or industry has ever expelled anything but the divvying of blame and credit, and always where never due. I am so forgettable, by nature and compounded by will, and it’s for the best because nobody is the point to creation or destruction or the maintenance in-between; it’s the doing.
Granted, the start of each new month has me shellshocked to still be alive, as I doubt I’ve the health left for a fast food job anymore. Under no circumstances could I bring myself to condone such murders, but then, I carry myself only to my own detriment as do we all. More and more do I see that recognizing this, is how to live beyond every oppressive leniency as we go about our unfathomable days. My work was always to exercise me mentally or physically and if it failed then I dropped it no matter the possibility. My work is labor is sacrifice, my work is my apology.